Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Pre-University Years - He found me and I walked away....

Having passed my GCE 'O' level with an unexpected 3 As, I got into Victoria School to do my Pre-University studies. That was also the year when the Ministry of Education was experimenting a 3 years Pre-U education for students who were deemed to weaker academically though they make it to the Pre-Uni education. I was one of those 'students' and Victoria School was selected for this experiment. It was like getting a double strike even before you start a game. However, for a boy who spent his primary school and secondary school years in the neighbourhood school, this is still a major event of his life.

I went to the Victoria a week before school term open to confirm my acceptance by the school. The person who handled the registration of all new students was the discipline master of the school. He took my GCE 'O' level result slip and acceptance letter, looked them over and looked at me from head to toe (I was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of jean). He told me sternly in front of others that this is a school and he expect me to cut my hair and wear the school uniform of my previous school on the 1st day on the school year. I felt a little humiliated but realised that I am stepping into a real school so to speak.

On the first day of school, I realised that I was the only one from my previous school that was accepted by Victoria School. I had no friends at all and feeling quite small even in my class because most of them came from schools that were way beyond the standard of my previous school. Some have not even heard of my previous school until they met me! I have to start making friends all over again.

On the home front, things were not getting better too. As mentioned in the previous blog, my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer, which caused him to be able work for 3-4 days a week only. This was followed by my mother suffering a minor stroke that left her with certain degree of difficulties in balancing, walking and using of her left hand. Financially, we were just at rock-bottom. My older sister did not do very well in her 'O' level, started working as a clerk to support herself and help out in the family.

On my side, I just felt more and more distance from my family because it seems that I am wired differently from them. There seems to be no common ground for much conversation in the house. I just felt the heaviness in our home. I remembered spending many weekends wondering around the shopping malls on my own, borrowed a friend's bicycle and cycled for hours till I have to go home. I am not saying that my parents or my sister were at fault. It is just like I am a 'square peg in a round hole'. I really do not know how to explain. I was so quiet at home that I remembered my dad told me once that if I continue this way, I will go crazy eventually because sometimes, I will not speak throughout the day while I was at home.

 Having finished my secondary school also means that my 'career' in the NCC is over, which is like part of my identity is finished. Through a friend, I join the Venture Scout, which is for youth in Pre-University. It was through one of the scout activties that I got to know a girl called Wong Siew Fan, who was from the Red Cross Uniform group. I got to know her through one of those combined Scout/Red Cross activities. I remember her name up to now because it is her who invited me to the youth meeting in Moriah Assembly. God used her to draw me to Him.

When you are 16yrs old, lonely and a girl invite you to church, what do you do? Of course, you will go! And went, I did. I took the old bible given to me by my old secondary school mate and started attedning the Saturday youth meeting. it was totally a refreshing experience for me. For the first time, I felt being accepted as who I am. Experiencing true friendships with a number of brothers and sisters which continue up to today.

I do not have one of those dramatic conversion experience. It is a gradual process where God draws me to Himself. I started learning about giving offering and even tithing whatever little allowances that I received from my family. There were days when I was left without any money after I gave my offering or tithing. And I remembered distinctively that I had to walk to church once when I was totally out of money. Yet, in those time of lack, someone in the youth meeting will pay for my dinner or I will find $10 or $20 slipped into my bible without knowing that I was totally broke.

I became active in the youth meeting, starting with ushering and eventually even did some worship leading when I am tone-deaf. And I spend all my weekends in church or with the members of our youth group. Sometimes, we will spend the night at the beach after the youth meeting just fellowshipping and talking about God and about our future. And I spent many weekends sleeping over at Gordon's place. I got involved with the Wednesday bible studies and the Friday Prayer Meeting. So, apart from school, I am in church for two evening and the entire weekend in a week. Yes, I was active in church but I made a grave mistake of staying away from home too often.

You see, in the 70s and up to early 80s, becoming a Christian is considered stepping out of one's tradition and culture. Christianity was viewed as a 'western' religion or at best a religion for the rich and educated, not for the common Chinese folks, which I am definitely one of them. By becoming a Christian, my parents were already upset though they did not openly opposed me. But, by spending more time in church than being at home, I drove that wedge that was already in existence between my family and me even deeper. It was no fault of their. It was my youthful rashness and uncontrolled zeal  that caused my parents and sister to have a negative view of God and Christianity.

In my second year in Pre-Uni, just decided to walk away from God and the church. I can't remember what was the cause but I simply stopped going to church. But life without God was really meaningless. I was still struggling with the family financial situation and remembered that for a certain period of time I had to even go door-to-door in the HDB apartment near my home every evening to sell fund-raising stickers for a community centre to earn extra pocket money.

It was in that year where I sunk to my lowest point. During the school holiday, I took up a temporary job as a bell-hop in a 2-star hotel in a not so good neighbourhood. The pay was low and I have to be on rotating shifts. Than one of the night manager introduced to some of us another way to make extra money if we work with him. Basically, he told us that whenever a male client checked into the hotel, after we bring their bags to their room, we are to simply ask these male clients if they wanted the service of a prostitute. If the client said yes, we will pass on the information to this manager and he will arrange for everything. For that, we will get a cut from every deal done. The money was actually good. On a 'normal' day, each of us can make an extra $30-40, which was alot at that time and more than the salary that we get as a temporary bell-hop, and on a good day, we can make up to $100 each.

I was in that bell-hop job for more than a month, getting all the extra income at the same time. But, I was miserable because I have walk away from God. Having more pocket money but feeling totally lost again.

I went back to school after the year-end vacation and started my last year in my Pre-U studies. Still feeling totally miserable. I was so ashamed of what I did to get extra income that I dare not tell anyone in my class how I got my pocket money. Finally, one morning between classes, I just told a classmate who is a Christian that I can't take it anymore. I need to get back to Him, I need to go back to church........

 

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